Why I Extended & Why It’s Okay.
Hey everyone! It’s been a minute since I’ve even looked at my blog, nonetheless published a new piece. I have been putting this topic off for a while now because I honestly did not know where to start – I still don’t, but sometimes we just have to take a leap of faith. In fair warning, the topics discussed in this post are going to be heavy (see trigger warnings below). No matter if you’re reading this out of curiosity, searching for solace, or even just “the tea,” I am glad that you are here. Let’s get right into it!
TRIGGER WARNINGS: Depression, Suicidal Ideation, Suicide.
Background
There are hundreds of posts I can make about many topics I’ll cover in this post, but I want to provide a very brief background so that you can fully understand the picture I’m telling through words. I was diagnosed with clinical (major) depression when I was 12 years old and have been on medication for it since then. I was able to manage my illness as a teenager fairly well with therapy but have found it difficult now as an adult. Since the beginning of 2021, I have been struggling with the “ups and downs” as I call them which are, in reality, periods of stability followed by instability on repeat. Come spring of 2021 I experienced a certain kind of “low” I hadn’t felt since I was 12 and during this time, I seriously contemplated taking my own life. With the help of a lifelong friend I ultimately decided against it and stood up to fight again. After I’d come out of that episode, I maintained a decent level of stability throughout the year up until finals in the wintertime. I fell back into a depressive episode but in a truly unstable fashion that I hadn’t experienced before. I’m used to the depression slumps, but this time I felt constantly on edge and unhinged – as if I was hanging on by a thread. I shoved my mental health aside though to gear up for finals and as my grade in Biochemistry was borderline failing. The entire semester I was earning bad test grades which was very unlike me. To be clear, struggling with content in a hard course isn’t new to me (or anyone) but my usual pattern is to gradually improve in test performance throughout the semester. I was declining exponentially with each test this time. I experienced insomnia most nights of the week and became very underweight in addition to feeling dizzy, disoriented and sometimes even nauseous more days than not. I ended up coming through for myself and ended the class with a good grade, but it came at a price I’m still not sure I should have paid. After your fall semester of year 2 ends, the Human Structure Function (HSF) series begins just two weeks after that. During those two weeks, I saw a NP at student health and we switched my antidepressants from which took a major toll on my body that continued into the new year. I spent the rest of the break asleep.
What Happened?
HSF I began early January and it’s full send from the jump. Classes were mostly in-person and ran *generally* from 8AM to 3PM Monday thru Friday with an hour break in between. This was an extremely hard schedule for me to follow for a couple reasons. One, I was still dealing with the side effects of my antidepressant transition which was primarily insomnia and brain fog. The second reason is something I’m not ready to open up about online quite yet but it severely impacted my ability to participate in in-person classes in any meaningful capacity. There came a particular night where I had a bad panic attack driving home from work and I began to have suicidal ideations again – that scared me. The next day I tried to pick back up on studying but I reached my breaking point as I felt like I was hitting a brick wall. So right then I called my sister and talked it out with her, sent an e-mail to my advisors about taking a leave of absence, and that was the end of it.
After
I took around 2 months to solely decompress from the weight of school and how unraveled I’d become over the last few years. I spent a lot of time alone, figuring out exactly how I want to utilize this break so that I would become whole again and be ready to return in the fall. I also spent more time with friends and family because I needed to lean on my support system while I was going through this transition in my life. They’d assumed that I’d felt an immediate relief when I unenrolled, as if a weight had been lifted off my shoulders but the truth is that I didn’t for a long time. Sure, the stress of college was not an issue any more but what I initially felt was a lot of grief and guilt. Academia has been my entire life, non-stop since I began kindergarten – I made an identity of it. Now that I had removed such an incremental piece of my identity, I didn’t have any comfort in myself because I didn’t know who I was without academia. In light of that I wanted to also use this break as an opportunity to ask myself, “Who is Kat?” Honestly, I still don’t have a complete answer to this question. But at the end of the day… who really does when they’re 21 years old? I know that I enjoy reading, I care about the environment, love working with animals, pursuing creative projects, and spending time with my cat. I’m kind, ambitious, introverted, and empathetic. Most importantly, I prioritize my mental health and I’m taking the steps to take care of myself the way I’ve always deserved. Now, it’s more-so a question of “Who do I want to be?” As far as lifestyle goes, I am striving towards minimalism and living even more sustainably. I want to be somebody with a solid routine and bring an element of peace into my mind. I want to understand more about myself and my traumas, so I began going to therapy about a month ago and it’s going better than I could have imagined. My therapist is an absolute gem and I would recommend her to anybody – if you would like more information, please contact me in any way you feel comfortable using the information found on my contact page.
What’s Next
I plan to resume coursework this fall and finish my Bachelor’s degree in Biology with a chemistry minor. I’m taking a minimal course load (16 or 17 credit hours) so that I can ease back into academia as smoothly as possible. I will join the class of 2027 in the spring of 2023 and resume the regular curriculum. I currently have a job at a veterinary clinic and do plan to continue working there through the fall. I’ve reached a point where I’m getting excited to get back into the swing of things; until then, I’m going to keep working on revitalizing my life and passion for medicine as best as I can. There’s still a lot of work to be done, but the progress I’ve made is beginning to show.
Lessons
Extending Is Okay- The concept of extending/entering the alternate program is an inherent fear that all of us have regardless of the cause. The general sentiment among students is that it’s something to be embarrassed of, that it’s a public display of failure in some capacity. Let me make something clear: the idea of an accelerated program is great and its practical for those who can complete it within the standard time frame, but life will not happen like that for everybody. When you take a small step back to look at the bigger picture, adding more or less of a year (or even two) to your academic career is negligible. Extending is nothing more than a built-in second opportunity for you to either correct your mistakes or try again when you’re more prepared (mentally, intellectually, physically, etc). We are so young and most of us haven’t experienced much of life getting in the way; for some, extending might be the first big hit. We have all formed an idea of how our life is supposed to go, and it will be a shocking feeling when life inevitably puts us on our a**es at some point. Take this from me and know that it is okay for you to do this on your own timeline and it’s not embarrassing. I’m now expected to graduate in the class of 2027 and I will have been in college for 8 years at that point, including an undergraduate year and this extension. I’m comfortable with that and I wouldn’t change a thing.
While it’s not my truth to have extended due to academic under-performance, I’m also here to tell you that there’s no shame in that. These classes are hard and these circumstances we’re put under are harder. I encourage you to give yourself the grace you so deeply deserve and realize your humanity. Allow yourself to experience the disappointment or pain because it’s valid; recognize that what is in your control now is what you make of it going forward, whether it’s trying again or pursuing a different path. No matter what you decide, make sure that you’re doing it out of passion.
Your Mental Health Should ALWAYS Come First- According to the American Medical Student Association, we are three times more likely to die by suicide as our same-age peers. Read that again. THREE TIMES. Additionally, 30% of us suffer from depression, and 10% of us report suicidal thoughts. (source– important read). It’s not a secret that medical school is one of the most stressful things a person can do in their lifetime and we form our own coping mechanisms along the way so that we can become the doctors we’ve been aspiring to be for so long. However, there’s a difference between managing stress and battling a serious mental health issue that, statistically, often leads to death. It is certainly possible to balance school and heal your brain at the same time, but it’s also certainly not possible for others. Don’t push yourself past your breaking point because NOTHING is worth more than your sanity, nonetheless your life. Here are a few resources I’ve gathered if you or somebody that you know is struggling with thoughts of suicide, depression, mental illness, or other related concerns.
National Suicide Prevention Hotline: 1-800-273-8255 || Use this anonymous hotline if you are experiencing an episode of distress or a mental health crisis.
WellConnect: This is a GREAT, FREE resource provided by the UMKC School of Medicine that annually offers 6 sessions of mental health counseling, a free legal consultation, and a free financial consultation. Therapy isn’t always affordable, so I encourage this to be a first step for those seeking professional help.
UMKC Student Health: I currently see a Nurse Practitioner at Student Health named Johanna Comes as my PCP who has been nothing short of amazing to me during this entire process. I wholeheartedly recommend her, but the other providers are equally as qualified should you choose a different one. The providers there can assess and possibly treat your current needs and offer the specific resources that pertain to you ,free of cost (mostly)! They have great availability as well, which is important to a patient with mental health issues.
BetterHelp: This is an unaffiliated, professional therapy resource that’s both affordable and convenient. UMKC offers free counseling services, but the waitlist is about 6 months long so this is is why I recommend BetterHelp instead. You answer a short questionnaire and then are matched with a therapist in a timely manner. I haven’t personally used it myself, but I know a few people who have and love it! Also, you can find discount codes with a simple Google search. I know that the CrimeJunkie podcast offers 10% off your first month with their code.
You are also more than welcome to reach out to me via the contact form to the left, social media, or by e-mail if you would rather do that 🙂
If you have made it this far, thank you again for taking time to hear my story. I created this blog so that I could document my experience and be transparent for those who need somebody to relate to. This post allowed me to stay true to that promise I made to myself from the beginning, and I’m happy to have you here to support me in doing that. I plan on releasing my Fall 2021 course overview in the next one, I hope to see you then! Take care.
