Failing Forward: Updates & Lessons

Wow, it has been a while since I’ve sat in front of this webpage to create a post for my blog. My last entry was in May of 2022, and here I sit in January of 2024- so much has happened since then it’s hard to fully wrap my head around it. Regardless, I am here now with a lot to say and hope that a few people out there are willing to listen. I’ve talked a lot about adversity and given advice accordingly completely unknowing that my growth had only just sprouted, and has now began to thrive and flourish. I feel like it only makes sense to pick up where I left off in spirit of the nature of my blog, which is to tell my story while helping other students write theirs. I titled this post “Failing Forward” because you are about to read more about how some of my best steps forward in life and in the program have stemmed from failure or rejection. Let’s get started.

Catching Up

I last wrote about my experience in medical leave of absence from school to heal my mental health and my next steps for returning to the program; well, I did in fact complete my “remission” year where I completed my Bachelor’s degree in Biology and did so with flying colors. I took Physiology, Biology Writing Intensive, French II, and a couple other accessory classes while still working part-time as a Veterinary Assistant. It was exactly what I needed, to ease back into life as a student while still being in an environment conducive to maintaining my mental health.

Immediately following came Spring 2023 and the ever-dreaded HSF series. I recall having mixed feelings about facing the material that was the final straw precipitating my mental health episode the year prior, especially since the stakes were higher in having to obtain a B or higher. Those nerves were quelled when I got my first exam score back and it said “90%,” when my previous score on the same exam was 66%. I already knew in my heart I’d come so far in developing myself as a person during my LOA, but to see that work translate into a quantitative, perceptible value (+24%) was one of those moments where you sit back and think to yourself, “It was all worth it.” I went on to exceed through HSF I with a positive outlook for the rest of the semester. HSF II began with high spirits and smooth sailing until the end of the course when I had a seizure related to medication interactions. Fortunately it had no long-term physical effects but it certainly threw me off track enough to affect my performance on the last couple of exams as I experienced acute symptoms including brain fog, memory issues, and difficulty concentrating. I then utilized the short break before HSF III to get back in touch with the roots of who I worked tirelessly to become within that past year and went on to climb back up with my grades.

Just prior to the start of HSF IV I received news of my uncle passing away and went to Oklahoma where he lived and my grandmother, who is suffering from late-stage dementia, is currently living in a nursing home. Her condition had been particularly hard on me because she and I are the last survivors on my late father’s side of the family, but I can’t share that with her because she doesn’t remember who I am. The following weeks after that visit left me dealing with the new and old grief of my grandmother and father, respectively. These circumstances took a major toll on my mental health and therefore my academic performance which resulted in my failing of the course…by 3 points. I remember sitting in my car when I received my final grade and feeling washed with disappointment in myself and re-living all of the feelings of failure and rejection that I’d experienced up until that point. For a moment, I surrendered. I thought to myself that perhaps I wasn’t meant for this career after all and that I’m doing myself a disservice trying to make the shoe fit. Ideas of what else I could possibly want to do with my life flew around in my mind like a tornado that never settled- there was nothing else I had ever considered doing. I’d spend the next few days in isolation, allowing myself to feel the heavy emotions and face the music.

And then I stood up. I wasn’t done. To leave the program and medicine at this point was to give up, and the one thing that I’ve learned with everything I’ve been through is that giving up is never on the table. So, I began the process of appealing to the Council on Evaluation which prompted a lot of introspection and discussion with my peers, mentors and advisors. By the time my COE retention meeting came around I had become surprisingly grateful for the position that I was in, which I understand is odd to say when you’ve just failed and are essentially begging to stay.. but bare with me. If I had only scraped by with a passing grade, I can say with certainty I would have continued the next semester having made little to no change in my studying habits or mental health state. The self-reflection my position necessitated reignited my passion for medicine and helped me remember my “why,” and while I’m not proud of a failing grade I honestly wouldn’t change what happened. All of that said, COE retained me and I continued onto the Fall 2023 semester.

It would have been easy to throw my hands up and say that my third bump in the road within this program was a sign that it wasn’t meant to be. Nobody would have faulted me if I stepped back and switched gears; hell, some people even encouraged it for the sake of my insanity at times. There are several routes I’ve seriously considered outside of the one I’m on now, including: starting a cat rescue, veterinary medicine, working in a research lab, ceramics & pottery, and opening a metaphysical business. During my preparation for my COE meeting, I realized I wasn’t born solely to become a physician and that was perhaps one of my most important moments in growth. Knowing that I was capable of doing other things for a career but still wanting the good, bad and ugly of medicine is ultimately what made me choose it again. Through all of the turmoil I’ve endured thus far, I can look to the road ahead that inevitably will make me trip again and tell myself with unwavering confidence that I choose medicine. I will choose it again, and again, and again. Practicing medicine is a choice that all students and physicians must make every day because medicine will not choose you. Medicine does not wait forever, it does “happen upon” anyone, and it certainly never makes the promise to be kind to you all the time. What it does do, though, is fulfill you. It invigorates you. It is one of the only careers that chisels your heart and soul to create the type of person necessary to practice medicine- it creates a healer out of us.

Now and Next

I’ve just completed my fall semester of Year 3 consisting of Pathology I, Neuroscience and CPM I and am just beginning the spring semester taking Path II, Microbiology, and CPM II. This past fall, I wanted to focus on regaining my footing academically while giving myself the grace to take it easy and work on my mental health at the same time. Fall of Year 3 is definitely a more relaxed workload allowing plenty of free time and while it’s a breath a fresh air, it’s dangerous because it can enable some laziness and procrastination. Exams generally took place once a month and the content itself was relatively digestible, but it became stressful when I found myself waiting until the last week or two before the tests to study intensely. Although I ended the semester with good grades, I knew I could do better in terms of studying habits and minimizing stress levels which brings me to my goals for Spring 2024.

My 2024 word of the year is Accountability. I want to be accountable in 3 particular categories in my life: academic, personal, and financial.

1. Academic
   • Studying Habits:
     • Spaced Repetition- create a study schedule adherent to research-backed spaced repetition techniques to maximize memory retention and minimize stress levels throughout the semester
     • (January) At least 4 hours of active studying per day
     • Utilize SOM office instead of studying at home; at least 15 hours in office per week
   • Get Involved- join groups within the university to become more involved with the community; I’m particularly interested in environmentally-focused groups and mentorship.
   • Shadowing- I’ve recently taken an interest in palliative care medicine and want to seek opportunities to explore the field with the free time this semester permits
2. Personal
   • Therapy- see a mental health professional at least once a month who can provide tools to manage my depression and ADHD especially as a medical student
   • Environmentalism- commit to a low-waste lifestyle and make conscious decisions every day that will benefit the environment (recycling, Eco-bricks, second-hand shopping, reusing and repurposing, plastic-free, etc.)
   • Health- monitor food choices and move towards a ketogenic-based diet in addition to establishing a light workout routine based on cardio to increase energy levels and correct sleeping habits
3. Financial
   • Second-hand Shopping- make a best effort not to buy anything new unless absolutely necessary; thrift clothing, electronics/household appliances, etc. Not only benefits the environment by reducing waste but supports my anti-consumerism mindset while saving money
   • Budgeting and Saving- create a loose budget that includes fixed bills and allocate leftover funds to specific categories to once again support anti-consumerism and prevent unnecessary spending sprees

For those who have stuck around to read through this entire post, I want to specifically thank you for taking the time to read about my journey and supporting my platform to do so. I write a lot about hardship and failure here at The Student Doctor Diaries which at times can seem a bit gloomy, but I find it extremely important be authentic about what this program entails because, like any medical school, it’s easy to look around and see that most students only show their best sides. I plan to make more uplifting posts in the future, so stay tuned if you are interested. As always, if you would like to reach out please don’t hesitate to do so using the information located on my contact page. See you soon!